www.angjokes.info

1. What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(the): 83

2. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 113

3. What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(the): 83

4. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 113

5. The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(officer): 471

6. "I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(i): 316

7. What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(the): 68

8. What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 126

9. A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(ragged): 407

10. This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(customer): 220

11. Redmond, WA --Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 174

12. What do computers eat when they get hungry? Chips.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 54

13. What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(the): 81

14. What is uglier than an aardvark? Two aardvarks!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(is): 50

15. What does the aardvark call his dog? Aard-bark!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(does): 50

16. What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote? One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(is): 109

17. Who loves hamburgers, French fries, and ants? Ronald MacAardvark!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(loves): 70

18. What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium? An aard-shark!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(does): 61

19. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 113

20. What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(will): 78

21. Do steam rollers really roll steam?

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(steam): 39

22. Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 84

23. Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(you): 58

24. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called ship-ment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(is): 139

25. An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old". "Where did you get this exact information?" "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(accountant): 320

26. Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(accountants): 501

27. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(accountant): 255

28. A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(patient): 395

29. Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 68

30. Why don't anteaters get sick ? Because they are full of antibodies!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(don't): 70

31. Why did the ant-elope ? Nobody gnu !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 37

32. Who is the most famous French ant ? Napoleant !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(is): 50

33. What do you call an and with frogs legs ? An antphibian !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 60

34. What do you call an ant who can't play the piano ? Discordant !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 66

35. The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(desk): 322

36. What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 106

37. Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(didn't): 99

38. What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(lives): 62

39. First apple: You look down in the dumps. What's eating you? Second apple: Worms, I think.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(apple): 95

40. A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(little): 825

41. Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków( down): 377

42. Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE in-flight?...... It's not because of the film's content, it's because the people in the film are eating better than the people on board.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(wonder): 197

43. A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard her son said, "All of you sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off now." The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your plane, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his plane. Soon the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are deplaning, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for flying with us today and hope your tr ip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the plane. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(few): 1444

44. A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!" Silence Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(plane): 780

45. Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(are): 70

46. How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 80

47. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(flies): 60

48. Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I don't know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 107

49. Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 134

50. What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(does): 51